Well, I have officially been back to work for two weeks. While my new batch of kids are settling in nicely to their new environment, the new batch of Moms have a different story to tell!
Our school is structured like most International Pre-schools in Bangkok: a guard at the front entrance, and fencing around the perimeter of the school so that the children are free to play and explore in a safe and secure environment. The fence around the garden is a nice white picket fence with some nice hedging all around it. Really quite nice for a school garden (playground) if you ask me. However, to new Moms this set up means they have to be extra sneaky when they come to spy on their children! And no, I am not joking ;)
We have had this problem before, especially with the younger students (they can start at this school at 18 months). The seperation anxiety is not only for the children, but in most cases, more severely felt by the parents. It often appears that the children get to the point that they cry when Mommy leaves because they know she will be upset if they don't! But if you ask me (and most other sane people in this world) seperation anxiety is a natural stepping stone that all children (and parents) must go through. However, there is a BIG difference between the healthy and non-healthy variety!
Now I know my readers out there are all at different points in their lives: some are new Moms, soon to discover the heartbreak of leaving your child with strangers for the first time, some are experienced Mother's who have been there, done that, and ever so happy for the freedom that it has brought, and some don't have children, but have watched friends and family go through the stepping stone with varying degrees of sanity. Of course, many are men - most of whom, from my experiences, believe that woman are nuts to not want to leave their children in the capable hands of strangers for a few hours! Whichever you are, I am sure we can all learn from the craziness that has taken over the parents at Mulberry House International Preschool.
As usual, on the first day of school, we have a selection of new parents. All seem quite normal upon first glance. (Understanding that my school is a private school, and most parents are quite wealthy) Moms come dressed in their high heels, hair freshly done, dresses neatly pressed - Thai mothers really like to do it up when they go out in public. Everyone is eager to speak with their child's new teacher, and understandably, a little anxious about leaving their child for the first time. As we have all dealt with this before, us teachers are ready and explain to all the new parents that we understand this is very difficult for them, assure them that their child is in good hands, and explain that it is best that they leave school grounds. Not only is it disturbing for their child to see their parent behind the gates, but it upsets the other children as well. Of course, these normal, sane mothers all agree with our logic and agree to leave the school and only return when it is time to pick up their child. Thinking we had nipped it in the bud this year, us teachers gather our children and start off the new year with high hopes.
The first day went smoothly for me: my parents seemed to listen to me and I didn't have any problems. Poor Mandy had Mothers and Nannys trapsing in and out all day, constantly disrupting her classroom and upsetting the children. At break, when the children are all out in the garden, one child saw someone creeping behind the bushes and started crying for his mother. Of course this set off a chain reaction and the others started to cry too. We hurried our kids back into the classrooms and settled them down once again. That afternoon a letter went home to the parents asking them not to remain in the parking lot and to leave the school grounds.
Day 2: All my parents appear quite normal. A little more difficult to say goodbye to Moms and Dads, and a lot more difficult to say goodbye to sons and daughters, but I think all my parents are still going to listen to our instructions about leaving. At the break, we see people crouching behind the bushes and take turns sending them off school property.
It was not until my kids were playing happily in the soft gym when one of my kids started pointing and saying "Mommy! Mommy!" We look out to where she is pointing and low and behold, there are her parents crouched down behind the bushes peering through the fence. I leave my kids in the capable hands of my TA, and start walking across the garden when . . . the parents start running away! I open the gate and berate these parents for upsetting their daughter and my class. I explain that not only are they disrupting my class, but now I am out here speaking with them instead of teaching! (Now the father is American, and VERY imbarrassed at having been caught) Both are apologetic and promise it will never happen again. They swear they didn't think their little girl would be able to see them . . . did they honestly believe that children are so daft they cannot make out the people hiding behind a picket fence? Its not like the thing was solid! Other teachers heard the events of my day and told their own stories of Moms hiding behind trees (although they are pregnant and their tummies were not quite hidden) and Moms peering over the fence when their child is not looking . . . come on Moms, give your kids some credit - they see you!
Again another note got sent home.
By Thursday my class was nicely settled, or so I thought. One of my kids was late, and by the time he arrived my kids were all quietly doing the activity I had planned for them. I watched as my late kids mother walked him around the garden for half and hour. Finally she scurried out and handed him to his nanny to bring to class. Of course by this time my class was tidying up to get ready for snack time - how can anyone expect a poor child to settle down when everyone else is cleaning up to leave the classroom? So there we are cleaning up when all of a sudden I feel someone watching me . . . (the front of my class has big patio doors and large windows to let a lot of light in, the back of the class has small windows just below the ceiling) I look up and there is a face peering down into my classroom!! I was dumbfounded! First of all there is about a foot of space between my class and the fence behind it, hardly enough room for a person. Second, it is FILTHY back there. Because there is so little space, no one goes back there and no one cleans it as you can't see it from the outside - so it has thick layers of soot and dust. Third, what was she standing on? Did she bring her own box to stand on so she could spy on her kid? I walked over and cracked the window open and yelled at her to get down and wait for me in the parking lot. I took my kids into the canteen and once they were eating left them once again in the hands of my TA to go berate another parent.
I marched straight out and demanded to know what she thought she was doing? She explained that it was perfectly harmless as no one had spotted her. I came back with: do you think its harmless for me to be out here dealing with you instead of inside with your son? She gave me a sob story about why she is such a protective mother and I explained once again that we are very capable and her son is actually quite happy. She replied "but he was upset in the class . . . " and I countered "well what do you expect when you bring him in late, right when we are about to leave the classroom. He hasn't had any time to settle in for the day since you wouldn't give him the chance!" Happily, she came to understand my point - or so I thought.
Friday everything appeared to be going smoothly. After several letters sent home and numerous talks with the parents, finally things seemed to be under control . . . until we were out in the garden. One of the TA's comes over and says there is a mother standing over at the guards office and she keeps peering in through the fence. We head over and we catch none other than my new mother hiding behind the guard's wall with her compact mirror outstretched in one hand so that she can peer through the fence without being seen!!! Can you imagine! This is a forty year old woman, hiding behind a wall, peering through a small mirror, through a fence, trying to see if her son needs her! I don't think there is anything else I can say about this. I still don't believe that this happened. I was so flabergasted I didn't even know what I was going to say to this woman. Finally, I decided that it shouldn't be me who speaks to her and I got the director of the school. I told her that I have spoken to this woman twice and she has received letters from the school asking her not to be on school grounds. I no longer have the time or patience to deal with this as I am supposed to be teaching children, not dealing with their insane parents. The director went out and received another sob story (albiet different from the one I got . . .) and somehow it was decided that her son should now come 5 days a week instead of 3. Hmmm, if Mom wasn't ready for her little boy to leave her for 3 days, I really doubt she can handle 5, but oh well, at least we have the problem solved. Honestly, if you are not ready for your son to go to school, don't send him. This poor little boy is so clever and really good. He was really happy and enjoying himself - but his Mom wasn't ready to let this happen and has made it as difficult as possible for the poor little guy. Sadly, he is her whole world, and he is looking for more. Really, I think the kid was so happy, just to get away from Mom for a few hours! Unfortunately, the little one had an accident and hurt his mouth on the weekend, so he didn't come at all for his second week of school. Of course, this means we will be starting from scratch when (if Mom can finally let go) he returns.
If I didn't see it with my own eyes, I would honestly think this was an old wives tale to scare new Moms into letting go and giving their children a chance when they send them to school, or daycare, or wherever. I still don't believe it and I was there!
All I can say is, THANK YOU to all my normal parents, you don't even understand how much easier you make my job!!
By the end of week two, the only crier we have is one little girl who spent all last term crying in the baby class. Another lesson to be learned - if you keep treating your child like a baby at home, it will be more difficult for him or her to deal with being treated like a child at school. This poor kid gets so much attention at home, never left to play independently, Mom can't even read a book in the same room because the girl will cry if she is not played with. But then they expect her to magically gain some independence when she comes to school? Unfortunately, we have some more crying to deal with, because I am not putting up with this for long. We started weening her off adult attention last week - no one is allowed to pick her up, or cuddle her, or let her sit on thier lap, or feed her. Its tough love, I know, but she knows that if she stops crying one of us will come play with her for a bit. If she stops crying, she can have a cuddle. But if those tears are pouring down, she has to sit on her chair by herself - of course one of us is always nearby, but we have 14 other kids to worry about and I am not about to ruin everyone's time just so one girl can have unlimited attention. I have explained everything to Mom, and she is in full support of my actions. Luckily, my plan has started to work and she is getting better - unluckily a weekend came up and we will be starting fresh on Monday.
Well, all I can say is with all this practice I should make a great Mother! Of course, it is easy to be critical when it is not your child, and when you get to see the results of how one raises a child. I can only hope that when it is my turn I remember what I have witnessed and remember to be strong and allow my child to develop and grow - and I think the hardest one: not to always pick up the little one when he/she cries - because they are smarter than we know and they try to train us just as much as we try to train them. Luckily for me, I have told Ryan all the crazy stories from school, so when it is our turn I will have him saying . . . remember little so and so? You don't want our kid to be like that do you?
